Sliding into the weekend

My knee started aching last night -- a lot like the ache I had a couple of years ago that put me out of commission for 6 months! I skipped playing Wii games last night. The lunging around the family room didn't seem like a good idea. I did work out this morning, but nothing crazy. 10 minutes of Nordic Trak and then some weights.

Again, I don't know what I did, but I put a neoprene knee brace on under my clothes and will skip my lunchtime walk. One step forward; two steps back. I'm telling ya, this side of the hill just sucks.

So far I've done well with the eating part. The cafeteria at work had taco salad today. I looked at it and thought ... a boney ass would eat 1/4 of this or wouldn't have bought it at all. Then I thought, a skinny person would probably eat just half. I ate more than half but didn't eat the whole thing. That's an improvement for me.

As I started eating it and thinking about what not-fat people would do, I started hearing that rebellious "what the hell" voice. I can't win for loosing. Even when I'm being good, there goes my knee! Screw it. I pushed it back, but it really is frustrating.

It dawned on me that I've begun regressing. Apparently, compressing, drooping, drying up, falling apart, isn't quite enough. Let's start crapping out mentally too! What I thought of was that my "what the hell" voice reminds me of a teenager who can't stand not having their way. It's all or nothing and if it's not all, then it's nothing with a tantrum. :-) THAT's what I've been doing. It wasn't a self-pity party ... it was a tantrum. OK, it was a self-pity-based tantrum.

Does seeing this stuff help me cope? I'm not sure yet. I guess time will tell. But staying clinical does keep me from listening to my bad self. I'm not any less miserable, but I'm not compounding the problems either by binging and gaining even more weight. Not today anyway.

I'm sure that my present approach will stop the weight gain. What I don't know is whether or not it will result in weight loss. I did eat more than half of that taco salad and I did have corn fritters the other day. I guess we'll see. All I know is that I really don't see myself living off of crackers, carrots and an apple for the rest of my life. This is what I'm willing to do and what I'm willing to try to do on an on-going basis ... I hope.