Redefining tired

I work in an I.T. department and we had a huge go-live this past weekend. We were upgrading an application and moving it to new servers -- which were needed VERY much. Of course, nothing can happen until the databases are moved, so I was at the office Saturday night at 10:30 pm until 7:30 am on Sunday morning. I am really getting to old for that kind of thing.

The consultants doing the upgrade made a goof during the day on Sunday, so I ended up working from home too for a good chunk of Sunday -- until 7:30 pm. Really too old for this.

I made it in fine on Monday and was handling the typical post-go-live stuff. Even managed to do ok Tuesday -- including puppy kindergarten after work! But I have to admit that I'm dragging a bit today. I did work out this morning and walked at lunch. But that usually energizes me. No so much today. Did I mention that I'm getting to old for this?

But, in spite of being tired, I have managed to eat well for a couple of days. It's hard again to not snack. But reading my old blog entries from 2010 when I lost the weight, got me going again. I have to put this last year behind me emotionally and get back to taking better care of myself. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Corny, but true.

Puppy Kindergarten

Tonight was the first night of Lucy's first obedience class. As it turns out, we're already doing what we're supposed to be doing and Lucy is doing great. The class started out with a free play period where we let all the puppies were allowed off leash. That was a total hoot to watch.

Lucy did well playing with the other puppies. That was a large part of wanting to take her there. To keep her well socialized with other dogs. And it looks like that will work out well. I also talked to the instructor about agility. I wanted to know if we'd have to wait until Lucy is a specific age -- someone suggested that she would have to be 2 before I could enroll her in agility class. But fortunately, that's not the case. She just have to do a few obedience classes and demonstrate that she can be controlled.

It was fun. And it was a good distraction for me. This past year has been awful and I have really fallen off the wagon as far as taking care of myself goes. I was reading my blog posts from 2010 to remember how I turned myself around last time. Between obedience class and reading my blog, it helped. I made it through the evening without snacking. I'm starting to feel like snacking now, so I think it's time to let Lucy out for the last time and head up to bed.

Settling in

We have had Lucy for 3 weeks now -- it will be 4 weeks this coming Sunday. She is doing so well. She has only had 2 accidents in the house and the 2nd one was our fault because we weren't paying close enough attention. She's starting to tell us now that she wants to go out which is awesome.

She knows sit and down. She does a "down" and waits when I put her food ball down until I say ok before she goes to it to eat. She loves running around with a ball so we are channeling her natural desire to play and teaching her fetch. She LOVES to play.

We start puppy kindergarten next week. I'm really looking forward to that. I really enjoyed doing obedience classes with Zena when we adopted her, so this should be fun. Seeing how much Lucy likes to play and how smart she seems, I'm thinking about doing agility with her when she's old enough. I think that will be great fun!

Jay and I bumped heads the first week or so -- I did push to get a dog pretty quickly, I know. But he's doing well with her now and is really enjoying her too. Lucy doesn't stop the sadness from losing Zena, but she does distract us from it.

Lucy is definitely a keeper. We've gotten lucky again I think.

A new puppy

My husband and I found out that we grieve differently. He needs to wallow in his sorrow for some unknown amount of time. I need to be busy. Taking care of Zena was the first thing I did EVERY day and it was the last thing I did EVERY night. Waking up and going to bed were too of the hardest times of day for me.

The house was unbearably empty -- even with 4 cats. I just couldn't breathe. So I started looking at dogs at Petfinder.com and anyplace else that I could think of. I stumbled onto an adorable terrier mix puppy and talked Jay into getting her.

I brought Lucy home this past Sunday. She's the cutest puppy ever and I'm happy to be busy taking care of someone again. She's teething really bad, so we keep chew things in front of her at all times. She's doing great with house training and she's learned to sit.

I/we still miss Zena terribly. She was just so perfect for us. But little Lucy is fun and full of life, and that's what we need.

Zena is gone

It happened. Zena died on Monday. It's been a hard week. Jay and I grieve differently, so we weren't much help to each other initially. It's better now ... day 4.

It's hard to explain why Zena was so special to me. I've had lots of dogs in my life and I've loved them all. But Zena latched onto a piece of me that no other pet has and I guess it's hers forever. I really believe that no animal has ever loved me that much before, and it was mutual. She was my girl.

We knew it was coming. She had cancer ... evil, hemangiosarcoma. But she was doing so well. She was fine on Sunday. She was even fine at 3:00 am Monday morning when my husband got up to pee -- at least she seemed ok. But when I got up at 5:00 am to work out, she didn't follow me up the hall like she ALWAYS does while I get into my workout clothes. She wasn't with me when I went downstairs. I couldn't find her upstairs, so I looked for her downstairs and found her lying down in the living room. Her face looked ok, but she wasn't moving. When I tried to help her up, she just collapsed. Crap. I waited with her for about 30 minutes and realized, I needed to get my husband.

So I went back upstairs and woke him up. To make matters even worse, it was his birthday. So I didn't wake him up with a "happy birth" and a smootch. I woke him up saying "Zena is in trouble". He bolted up and we both went back downstairs to her. And we stayed with her until she died at 7:40 am.

I am so lost without her. She was my reason to get up after our daughter grew up and left home. She was the first thing I took care of every day and she was the last thing I took care of before I went to bed.

We are lucky to have friends and family that care for us and have done their best to make us feel better. One friend at work, Kim, gave me this poem. Somehow, it does help. I hope it helps others.

Lend me A Puppy

I will lend to you for awhile
a puppy, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and to mourn for him when he is gone.

Maybe for twelve or fourteen years,
or maybe for two or three
But will you, till I call him back
take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you'll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.

I've looked the whole world over
in search of teachers true
And from the folk that crowd life's land
I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate me when I come to take
my puppy back again.

And my heart replied,
"Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done,"
For all the joys this puppy brings,
the risk of grief I'll run.

I'll shelter him with tenderness
I'll love him while I may
And for the happiness I've known
forever grateful stay.

But should you call him back
much sooner than I planned
I'll brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.

If, by my love, I've managed
your wishes to achieve,
In memory of his sweet sweet love
please help me while I grieve.

When my cherished puppy
departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needy soul
for me to love all his life.

Putting one foot in front of the other

Made it through the holidays. Not unscathed, but I made it. I do miss mom and I do think about life without Zena. But there's nothing that can be done about either loss -- one behind me and one lies ahead.

I've been struggling a LOT with my tinnitus. It's worse. But I also think my tolerance is lower. There's just been so much to deal with this past year. I had found something that helped ... Ambien. But regulations on Ambien don't take tinnitus into account. So, I did more googling and found that l-theanine is readily available in sleep aids and, since it's something our bodies need and get from food sources (proteins), it's not harmful. So I gave it a try. It's not as helpful as Ambien, but it does help. So it will help me stretch out the Ambien.

It seems to have lowered my stress levels a little. I've jumped back into paperwork to settle mom's estate. We had Eli spend the night -- we haven't had him over since we learned about Zena's tumor and had the surgery to remove it. So we're trying to get back to some sort of normal.

I'll visit my sisters next Friday night. We're preparing for our normal girls' weekend in May. That will be so strange. It will be our first girls' weekend without mom. That dawned on me today. What will that be like? I'm trying not to think about it because I was starting to do so well. But it's there, lurking in the back of my mind.

One foot in front of the other. I keep trying to focus on that. Don't let the tinnitus get me down. Don't let Zena's looming death get me down. Don't let loosing mom get me down. Do the estate paperwork. Focus on one thing at a time and, before I know it, time will have passed.

It sounds good.

Good Riddens to 2011

I made it through Christmas pretty well, but today, New Year's Eve, I'm feeling down. Christmas was mostly ok, but still felt kind of flat. We took this week off as usual and I was busy and good at the beginning of the week, but today I'm kind of lost which has left me feeling pretty blue.

Zena is still feeling ok, so I should be feeling good. But the losses for the year feel like they outweigh the wins for some reason today. So I don't feel like going out. We went out for some pizza and then just came home.

I just miss mom.