Good Riddens to 2011

I made it through Christmas pretty well, but today, New Year's Eve, I'm feeling down. Christmas was mostly ok, but still felt kind of flat. We took this week off as usual and I was busy and good at the beginning of the week, but today I'm kind of lost which has left me feeling pretty blue.

Zena is still feeling ok, so I should be feeling good. But the losses for the year feel like they outweigh the wins for some reason today. So I don't feel like going out. We went out for some pizza and then just came home.

I just miss mom.

Having Touble Feeling Christmas

It's been a tough year and I find my "ho ho ho" is a little low. I did my Christmas baking, which is a fair amount if I do say so myself. I thought if I went through the motions, the holiday spirit might start creeping in, but I'm still feeling pretty un-Christmasy. Christmas was mom's favorite holiday, so it's a tough one for all of us. And we keep staring at Zena wondering if/when a tumor is going to cause another rupture and if that will be the fatal one. I know, pretty morbid.

I delivered cookies to a few friends today. That's always nice. At work, our department collected things for a family in need and that probably made me feel the best. We do it every year, but this year, the family was particularly needy and it just felt good knowing we were helping a couple of kids who expected nothing for Christmas to have a nice Christmas.

Tomorrow the kids come down and that will be fun. I need to snap out of it though and be open to enjoy it. It just doesn't FEEL like Christmas Eve.

Made it!

Well, I don't know how, but Zena recovered. There must have been a tumor that caused an arter or vein to rupture -- as opposed to the spleen or heart. The good news, is that we still have her. The bad news is that the cancer is still there, so we just wait for the next rupture and then decide what to do when it does.

For now, she's back. I don't know how she had the gumption to recover, but she did. We find ourselves just staring at her. wondering what's growing inside of her. How much time do we have with her? And we just wont' know until it happens.

The year of the vigil

I am back in vigil mode. This time, it's our dog Zena. She doesn't appear to be in pain, so we are just letting her fade naturally. I'm so sad. What will we do without our girl?

So I face my first Christmas without mom and now without Zena too.

Day by day

We've decked the halls for Christmas so the house is looking pretty festive. And I've been doing my Christmas baking. So I'm getting into the mood a little, but it's just hard to REALLY get into the Christmas spirit this year. Between loosing mom and dealing with Zena's cancer, it's just hard to get the ho ho ho going. But I'm trying.

We've had Zena on chemo for a couple of weeks. After the first 5 days or so, she threw up 3 days in a row and started really feeling bad. So the vet told us to give her a break for 4 days and then give it to her every other day. So we did that. But after a week again, she started feeling REALLY bad again. She couldn't go upstairs at the end of the day Saturday, so I slept downstairs with her that night. So we're stopping it again for a few days and we'll try cutting the dose AND doing it every other day.

We need to find a regimen that works for her. It's just a matter of trial and error. I just feel so sad when she feels bad like that. She's so week and feeble. But after giving her a break, we're noticing a little improvement at the end of today. So, when she gets her sea legs back, we'll try again using a half dose.

I hope we're doing the right thing keeping her going. I feel so selfish on days when she's so miserable. But then she perks up and I'm glad I did it again. But, mostly, I feel quite selfish. I'm just not ready to stop seeing that face and petting that head. I'm not ready to stop seeing her tail wag when she sees me. I'm not ready to stop seeing her greet me at the door. I'm just not ready. And I hope (really, really hope) she agrees with me.

Sad news

Zena's tumor was a non-spenic hemangiosarcoma. Non-splenic just means that it wasn't in her spleen -- which is unusual. I guess that's why it was able to grow so big. This type of cancer usually grows in the spleen or heart and causes the organ to rupture.

But it's a pretty aggressive and highly malignant form of cancer. :-( Removing the existing tumor relieved her immediate symptoms and pretty much saved her life, but not for long. She likely only has about 3 months after doing the surgery. If we do chemo, that maybe gives her another 3 months. We have opted to do chemo because we just aren't ready to stop looking at that face.

I am being particularly selfish. I just don't want to face the holidays without mom AND without my Zena girl. Everything we've read about chemo for pets says that they tolerate it much better than humans -- mostly because they aren't receiving as strong of a dose. And that is true. Zena is eating and playing and seems to be really fine. It's hard to believe that she has such a short time to live.

It's been a tough year for sure. And I've definitely lost my "I care" mojo and have put back on some of the weight I lost. I need to get back in the groove. I tend to reach for food for comfort and I've needed a lot of comfort this year. :-( I really need to stop the pity party. It's just hard to do knowing what lies ahead with Zena.

Still on the edge

Our dog, Zena, had surgery last Wednesday to remove the tumor in her abdomen. The surgery was a success -- Chesapeake Veterinary Surgical Services (and emergency, etc.) are, without a doubt, the best collection of vets on the planet.

The tumor was the size of a softball. It was encapsulated, which is good, but it did have a blood source. So it's possible for cells to be elsewhere, so we are still waiting for the biopsy.

On the bright side, her appetite is much improved. Granted, I'm making her boiled chicken and rice, but at first she wouldn't even eat that. Bodily functions are returning to normal. She's even starting to hump the cats again. :-) No kidding. It's one her most favorite activities.

Some people would argue why we would do that for a 13 year old dog. She's such an integral part of our family, it's impossible to think of not doing it. And between the loss of my mother and the stupid law suit and a string of other things making this year one of the worst of all times ... I just couldn't face one more loss ... one more bad thing.

So a ray of light is welcome. Watching Zena returning to normal is bringing us a great deal of pleasure in an otherwise dismal period. She's just a joy.

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse

I received a summons today as I was heading out to run an errand. I was in what I thought was a minor fender bender a few years ago. Two of my sisters and I were driving home from our nieces' wedding in Canada. We were at a stop sign and the car in front of me started to turn out onto the other road, but I guess she changed her mind because she stopped suddenly. More suddenly than I did. Everyone seemed ok. We exchanged information. Called the police to file a report and then we all drove home.

Well, she's decided that that was her lucky day and is suing us. The insurance companies are handling it right now, but we've already dealt with the incredibly painful passing of our mother. I'm trying to scatter her ashes. My dog is very ill. And now this.

As far as I'm concerned, Ms. Groomes is racking up some seriously bad karma. And if she EVER complains about how much insurance costs, she can just stand in front of a mirror and to see one of the reasons why.

In the mean time, I have to find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through the next few days. It just got harder to do. :-(

This is a year for the record books

The weather (both land and sea) are looking pretty good this week, so I started calling boat captains. I found someone who will take Jay and I out so we can "scatter" mom's ashes. It's not really scattering. I found a water soluble urn that I just place in the water and within a few minutes, it sinks to the bottom where it breaks down.

We tried to do it as a family a few weeks ago, but the weather did not cooperate. At all. We all know that mom was a "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with life" kind of woman, so it was agreed that I would do it the first time the weather and the seas were good. So this is the weekend. We'll go out on Sunday morning.

But our dog also has not been well. And it seems to have gotten worse this week. So we took her to the vet and found out that she has a fairly substantial mass in her lower (towards her hind quarters) abdomen. Crap. We will schedule an ultrasound to find out what it is and what it's attached to and, hopefully, that tells us if it's operable. Then we start making decisions.

We adopted Zena 10 years ago. She's 13 now. I cannot express how integral she is to our family. This pound puppy who wasn't house broken has become so important to us. I can't loose both mom and her in the same year. That's just too much sadness. Right now, she's pretty miserable. She's not eating. She has major diarrhea. And she's struggling with her hind end in general -- steps are difficult.

I'm trying to not over-react and start wailing. She needs me, so I'll keep marching until a vet tells me it's time to stop. So we just help her and keep her comfortable until we get the ultrasound.

What a week.

Missing Mom

We went to a friend's house last night for a party. We haven't seen them in a long while, so we were looking forward to the visit. Plus, we know that Chris frequently invites his band mates and there's a little concert to be enjoyed. :-)

Chris' mom was there. We've met her before and she remembers us because her husband used to always talk to Jay about flying. :-) I was fine while we visited and chatted. I was fine until Chris started playing and his mom moved across the room to a rocking chair to watch Chris.

All of a sudden I couldn't breathe and was really having to work to hold back tears. I finally got up and went outside for a few minutes. When I collected myself, I went back in and sat back down, but I couldn't stay. I had to go back outside. Jay followed me the 2nd time. He knew. I had a good cry and just stayed away from the living room for the rest of the evening.

I think I was fine until I saw her being a proud, loving mom in action. Watching her watch her son ... it's how we saw mom at big gatherings and such when she was watching one of us or the kids. I want that again. I miss that.

No more mom …

Mother’s day is this Sunday. It dawns on me that I’ll never buy a Mother’s Day Card again. That realization made me very sad … like so many other realizations have made me feel lately.

I know I’m stating the obvious, but I miss mom terribly. I can’t stop looking at photos of her. I especially like the ones where I/we caught her unaware because it’s like I'm watching her from across the room. And I especially like the ones of mom with my daughter. There’s my universe, right there.

It’s still unbelievable to me that I’ll never hear her voice or get a hug from her again. I know people don’t live forever and mom was 85. But KNOWING that someone will die one day and then realizing that it means never hearing their voice or touching them again … well, that’s just different somehow. It leaves you feeling lonely even though you are around the same people you were around before.

So Mother’s Day will be the first of the firsts for this coming year. The first 12 months after you loose someone. The first birthday. The first Thanksgiving. The first Christmas. Isn’t it appropriate that our first, first is Mother’s Day. She was an awesome mom. And she was our friend. We just loved being with her.

I’m not sleeping well. I either wake up a lot or I dream a lot. I’m hoping that that eventually subsides and goes away. I mope a lot. I can still joke with friends and function. But I do find myself having to push myself to do things like working out. I’d rather just sit and mope. It’s hard.

I miss my mom. I will always miss my mom.

Losing your mom

It was a quiet year until March 21st. That's when mom went in for an angiogram and, possibly, an angioplasty. It turned out that she desperately needed something as she had blockages of 90%, 95% and 97% in her 3 coronary arteries. The cardiologist probably should have pulled out and sent her home and told her to get her affairs in order. But, he tried to do more and it didn't go well. He managed to put a stint in place in one artery, but there was another blockage down from that one and when the blood flow hit that, her artery started collapsing and that was the beginning of the end.

They came to the waiting room and got myself and 2 of my other sisters who were there. But we were taken to an office, not to mom. We knew then that something was terribly wrong. The doctor came in and explained the situation and said they needed our consent to do bypass surgery. Now, mom was 85 and not a candidate for a bypass. They would have never done this as a planned event, BUT, they didn't want her to die on their table -- it messes up their statistics.

We knew mom would not want the bypass, but they worked very hard to convince us. Our panic and their pressure resulted in our consent and they did a bypass on mom. Surprising, it was successful. She was in ICU for almost a week and they told us that they could not stabilize her heart rate without a pacemaker. She was lucid enough to decline the pacemaker and that's when things got even worse.

The hospital moved mom to a palliative care room and then things just went bad. Somehow, mom was not assigned an attending physician (that we ever saw) and the only medical orders were the ones from intensive care. So, when she was in pain they wouldn't give her pain medication if her heart rate was too low. That type of incompetence continue for another week. We struggled against this while we watched mom fail in misery. It was horrific. We finally manged to get her into hospice care and they made her comfortable for her last 12 hours anyway. And she wasn't alone when she passed -- my oldest sister was with her.

Mom died on April 6th after 17 days of awful. And now we are left trying to figure out how to make sure that never happens to anyone else's loved one and how to get along without mom.

Besides the obvious feelings of overwhelming sadness, I feel incredibly blah about life in general and lonely. I have my husband, my daughter and her family, my sisters, my friends, but I feel lonely. It doesn't seem real that I will never see mom again. I'll never call her and see how her week went and tell her about mine. I'll never get a hug and hear "I love you" with that soft, lingering southern drawl. The loss of so many little things, just leaves me feeling lonely.

The other thing that's hard is that mom was like a mother to my daughter. She didn't just loose her grandmother, she lost one of her moms. I was a single parent for several years and mom (along with my youngest sister) helped enormously. So, my daughter needs HER mom now and I'm not exactly on my game.

So I feel guilty for putting mom through what she went through (when I gave my consent for the bypass) and I feel guilty for letting Jen down. But I'm still not caring about life enough yet to feel really bad about it. How's that for a knot of psychobabble chaos?

I know it will get better. It is already a little better than it was on April 6th. And it will continue to get better. I know that in my head. It's not quite in my heart yet, but it will get there. I can't let it continue. That would make me a disappointment to mom in addition to everything else, and I can't let that happen. That's just not acceptable.

So, I keep moving forward one step at a time. Baby steps. Time is the only thing that will help. I just need more time.

Happy New Year

Well, I made it through the holidays. I love Christmas. I love to see it come and I love to see it go because it kicks my butt every year. :-) But it really was a great Christmas.

But, too much food. Not just at Christmas, but from Thanksgiving through New Years. Big meals. Christmas baking (and sampling). Desserts out the ying yang. And it didn't help that I couldn't work out for 2 weeks right before Thanksgiving because of having those growths removed. And you end up skipping workouts more right when you're supposed to be working out more. Bottom line ... I packed back on about 7 pounds! Yikes! That's just freakish that it can happen so fast. But, I guess if you loose 1-2 lbs a week, you gain at that rate too. Somehow, it seems to happen faster when you're gaining than when you're loosing.

So, it's back to what I'm supposed to do. Of course, we aren't riding bikes after work because it's winter, so I need to get back to what I did last winter and break out the WII for a bit each evening. Not as good as riding, but better than sitting on my butt. Did I mention that you gain weight really fast? Bummer.

Somehow, the 40 lbs that I lost didn't look as impressive as the 40 lbs that Valerie Bertinelli lost, but I liked how I feel and I don't look bad, so I don't want to ignore the weight gain. If I get on top of it now, I'll be ok.