Zena is gone

It happened. Zena died on Monday. It's been a hard week. Jay and I grieve differently, so we weren't much help to each other initially. It's better now ... day 4.

It's hard to explain why Zena was so special to me. I've had lots of dogs in my life and I've loved them all. But Zena latched onto a piece of me that no other pet has and I guess it's hers forever. I really believe that no animal has ever loved me that much before, and it was mutual. She was my girl.

We knew it was coming. She had cancer ... evil, hemangiosarcoma. But she was doing so well. She was fine on Sunday. She was even fine at 3:00 am Monday morning when my husband got up to pee -- at least she seemed ok. But when I got up at 5:00 am to work out, she didn't follow me up the hall like she ALWAYS does while I get into my workout clothes. She wasn't with me when I went downstairs. I couldn't find her upstairs, so I looked for her downstairs and found her lying down in the living room. Her face looked ok, but she wasn't moving. When I tried to help her up, she just collapsed. Crap. I waited with her for about 30 minutes and realized, I needed to get my husband.

So I went back upstairs and woke him up. To make matters even worse, it was his birthday. So I didn't wake him up with a "happy birth" and a smootch. I woke him up saying "Zena is in trouble". He bolted up and we both went back downstairs to her. And we stayed with her until she died at 7:40 am.

I am so lost without her. She was my reason to get up after our daughter grew up and left home. She was the first thing I took care of every day and she was the last thing I took care of before I went to bed.

We are lucky to have friends and family that care for us and have done their best to make us feel better. One friend at work, Kim, gave me this poem. Somehow, it does help. I hope it helps others.

Lend me A Puppy

I will lend to you for awhile
a puppy, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and to mourn for him when he is gone.

Maybe for twelve or fourteen years,
or maybe for two or three
But will you, till I call him back
take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you'll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.

I've looked the whole world over
in search of teachers true
And from the folk that crowd life's land
I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate me when I come to take
my puppy back again.

And my heart replied,
"Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done,"
For all the joys this puppy brings,
the risk of grief I'll run.

I'll shelter him with tenderness
I'll love him while I may
And for the happiness I've known
forever grateful stay.

But should you call him back
much sooner than I planned
I'll brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.

If, by my love, I've managed
your wishes to achieve,
In memory of his sweet sweet love
please help me while I grieve.

When my cherished puppy
departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needy soul
for me to love all his life.