Good Riddens to 2011

I made it through Christmas pretty well, but today, New Year's Eve, I'm feeling down. Christmas was mostly ok, but still felt kind of flat. We took this week off as usual and I was busy and good at the beginning of the week, but today I'm kind of lost which has left me feeling pretty blue.

Zena is still feeling ok, so I should be feeling good. But the losses for the year feel like they outweigh the wins for some reason today. So I don't feel like going out. We went out for some pizza and then just came home.

I just miss mom.

Having Touble Feeling Christmas

It's been a tough year and I find my "ho ho ho" is a little low. I did my Christmas baking, which is a fair amount if I do say so myself. I thought if I went through the motions, the holiday spirit might start creeping in, but I'm still feeling pretty un-Christmasy. Christmas was mom's favorite holiday, so it's a tough one for all of us. And we keep staring at Zena wondering if/when a tumor is going to cause another rupture and if that will be the fatal one. I know, pretty morbid.

I delivered cookies to a few friends today. That's always nice. At work, our department collected things for a family in need and that probably made me feel the best. We do it every year, but this year, the family was particularly needy and it just felt good knowing we were helping a couple of kids who expected nothing for Christmas to have a nice Christmas.

Tomorrow the kids come down and that will be fun. I need to snap out of it though and be open to enjoy it. It just doesn't FEEL like Christmas Eve.

Made it!

Well, I don't know how, but Zena recovered. There must have been a tumor that caused an arter or vein to rupture -- as opposed to the spleen or heart. The good news, is that we still have her. The bad news is that the cancer is still there, so we just wait for the next rupture and then decide what to do when it does.

For now, she's back. I don't know how she had the gumption to recover, but she did. We find ourselves just staring at her. wondering what's growing inside of her. How much time do we have with her? And we just wont' know until it happens.

The year of the vigil

I am back in vigil mode. This time, it's our dog Zena. She doesn't appear to be in pain, so we are just letting her fade naturally. I'm so sad. What will we do without our girl?

So I face my first Christmas without mom and now without Zena too.

Day by day

We've decked the halls for Christmas so the house is looking pretty festive. And I've been doing my Christmas baking. So I'm getting into the mood a little, but it's just hard to REALLY get into the Christmas spirit this year. Between loosing mom and dealing with Zena's cancer, it's just hard to get the ho ho ho going. But I'm trying.

We've had Zena on chemo for a couple of weeks. After the first 5 days or so, she threw up 3 days in a row and started really feeling bad. So the vet told us to give her a break for 4 days and then give it to her every other day. So we did that. But after a week again, she started feeling REALLY bad again. She couldn't go upstairs at the end of the day Saturday, so I slept downstairs with her that night. So we're stopping it again for a few days and we'll try cutting the dose AND doing it every other day.

We need to find a regimen that works for her. It's just a matter of trial and error. I just feel so sad when she feels bad like that. She's so week and feeble. But after giving her a break, we're noticing a little improvement at the end of today. So, when she gets her sea legs back, we'll try again using a half dose.

I hope we're doing the right thing keeping her going. I feel so selfish on days when she's so miserable. But then she perks up and I'm glad I did it again. But, mostly, I feel quite selfish. I'm just not ready to stop seeing that face and petting that head. I'm not ready to stop seeing her tail wag when she sees me. I'm not ready to stop seeing her greet me at the door. I'm just not ready. And I hope (really, really hope) she agrees with me.