Zena is gone

It happened. Zena died on Monday. It's been a hard week. Jay and I grieve differently, so we weren't much help to each other initially. It's better now ... day 4.

It's hard to explain why Zena was so special to me. I've had lots of dogs in my life and I've loved them all. But Zena latched onto a piece of me that no other pet has and I guess it's hers forever. I really believe that no animal has ever loved me that much before, and it was mutual. She was my girl.

We knew it was coming. She had cancer ... evil, hemangiosarcoma. But she was doing so well. She was fine on Sunday. She was even fine at 3:00 am Monday morning when my husband got up to pee -- at least she seemed ok. But when I got up at 5:00 am to work out, she didn't follow me up the hall like she ALWAYS does while I get into my workout clothes. She wasn't with me when I went downstairs. I couldn't find her upstairs, so I looked for her downstairs and found her lying down in the living room. Her face looked ok, but she wasn't moving. When I tried to help her up, she just collapsed. Crap. I waited with her for about 30 minutes and realized, I needed to get my husband.

So I went back upstairs and woke him up. To make matters even worse, it was his birthday. So I didn't wake him up with a "happy birth" and a smootch. I woke him up saying "Zena is in trouble". He bolted up and we both went back downstairs to her. And we stayed with her until she died at 7:40 am.

I am so lost without her. She was my reason to get up after our daughter grew up and left home. She was the first thing I took care of every day and she was the last thing I took care of before I went to bed.

We are lucky to have friends and family that care for us and have done their best to make us feel better. One friend at work, Kim, gave me this poem. Somehow, it does help. I hope it helps others.

Lend me A Puppy

I will lend to you for awhile
a puppy, God said,
For you to love him while he lives
and to mourn for him when he is gone.

Maybe for twelve or fourteen years,
or maybe for two or three
But will you, till I call him back
take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and (should his stay be brief)
you'll always have his memories
as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below
I want this pup to learn.

I've looked the whole world over
in search of teachers true
And from the folk that crowd life's land
I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate me when I come to take
my puppy back again.

And my heart replied,
"Dear Lord Thy Will Be Done,"
For all the joys this puppy brings,
the risk of grief I'll run.

I'll shelter him with tenderness
I'll love him while I may
And for the happiness I've known
forever grateful stay.

But should you call him back
much sooner than I planned
I'll brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.

If, by my love, I've managed
your wishes to achieve,
In memory of his sweet sweet love
please help me while I grieve.

When my cherished puppy
departs this world of strife,
Please send yet another needy soul
for me to love all his life.

Putting one foot in front of the other

Made it through the holidays. Not unscathed, but I made it. I do miss mom and I do think about life without Zena. But there's nothing that can be done about either loss -- one behind me and one lies ahead.

I've been struggling a LOT with my tinnitus. It's worse. But I also think my tolerance is lower. There's just been so much to deal with this past year. I had found something that helped ... Ambien. But regulations on Ambien don't take tinnitus into account. So, I did more googling and found that l-theanine is readily available in sleep aids and, since it's something our bodies need and get from food sources (proteins), it's not harmful. So I gave it a try. It's not as helpful as Ambien, but it does help. So it will help me stretch out the Ambien.

It seems to have lowered my stress levels a little. I've jumped back into paperwork to settle mom's estate. We had Eli spend the night -- we haven't had him over since we learned about Zena's tumor and had the surgery to remove it. So we're trying to get back to some sort of normal.

I'll visit my sisters next Friday night. We're preparing for our normal girls' weekend in May. That will be so strange. It will be our first girls' weekend without mom. That dawned on me today. What will that be like? I'm trying not to think about it because I was starting to do so well. But it's there, lurking in the back of my mind.

One foot in front of the other. I keep trying to focus on that. Don't let the tinnitus get me down. Don't let Zena's looming death get me down. Don't let loosing mom get me down. Do the estate paperwork. Focus on one thing at a time and, before I know it, time will have passed.

It sounds good.

Good Riddens to 2011

I made it through Christmas pretty well, but today, New Year's Eve, I'm feeling down. Christmas was mostly ok, but still felt kind of flat. We took this week off as usual and I was busy and good at the beginning of the week, but today I'm kind of lost which has left me feeling pretty blue.

Zena is still feeling ok, so I should be feeling good. But the losses for the year feel like they outweigh the wins for some reason today. So I don't feel like going out. We went out for some pizza and then just came home.

I just miss mom.

Having Touble Feeling Christmas

It's been a tough year and I find my "ho ho ho" is a little low. I did my Christmas baking, which is a fair amount if I do say so myself. I thought if I went through the motions, the holiday spirit might start creeping in, but I'm still feeling pretty un-Christmasy. Christmas was mom's favorite holiday, so it's a tough one for all of us. And we keep staring at Zena wondering if/when a tumor is going to cause another rupture and if that will be the fatal one. I know, pretty morbid.

I delivered cookies to a few friends today. That's always nice. At work, our department collected things for a family in need and that probably made me feel the best. We do it every year, but this year, the family was particularly needy and it just felt good knowing we were helping a couple of kids who expected nothing for Christmas to have a nice Christmas.

Tomorrow the kids come down and that will be fun. I need to snap out of it though and be open to enjoy it. It just doesn't FEEL like Christmas Eve.

Made it!

Well, I don't know how, but Zena recovered. There must have been a tumor that caused an arter or vein to rupture -- as opposed to the spleen or heart. The good news, is that we still have her. The bad news is that the cancer is still there, so we just wait for the next rupture and then decide what to do when it does.

For now, she's back. I don't know how she had the gumption to recover, but she did. We find ourselves just staring at her. wondering what's growing inside of her. How much time do we have with her? And we just wont' know until it happens.

The year of the vigil

I am back in vigil mode. This time, it's our dog Zena. She doesn't appear to be in pain, so we are just letting her fade naturally. I'm so sad. What will we do without our girl?

So I face my first Christmas without mom and now without Zena too.

Day by day

We've decked the halls for Christmas so the house is looking pretty festive. And I've been doing my Christmas baking. So I'm getting into the mood a little, but it's just hard to REALLY get into the Christmas spirit this year. Between loosing mom and dealing with Zena's cancer, it's just hard to get the ho ho ho going. But I'm trying.

We've had Zena on chemo for a couple of weeks. After the first 5 days or so, she threw up 3 days in a row and started really feeling bad. So the vet told us to give her a break for 4 days and then give it to her every other day. So we did that. But after a week again, she started feeling REALLY bad again. She couldn't go upstairs at the end of the day Saturday, so I slept downstairs with her that night. So we're stopping it again for a few days and we'll try cutting the dose AND doing it every other day.

We need to find a regimen that works for her. It's just a matter of trial and error. I just feel so sad when she feels bad like that. She's so week and feeble. But after giving her a break, we're noticing a little improvement at the end of today. So, when she gets her sea legs back, we'll try again using a half dose.

I hope we're doing the right thing keeping her going. I feel so selfish on days when she's so miserable. But then she perks up and I'm glad I did it again. But, mostly, I feel quite selfish. I'm just not ready to stop seeing that face and petting that head. I'm not ready to stop seeing her tail wag when she sees me. I'm not ready to stop seeing her greet me at the door. I'm just not ready. And I hope (really, really hope) she agrees with me.