Losing your mom

It was a quiet year until March 21st. That's when mom went in for an angiogram and, possibly, an angioplasty. It turned out that she desperately needed something as she had blockages of 90%, 95% and 97% in her 3 coronary arteries. The cardiologist probably should have pulled out and sent her home and told her to get her affairs in order. But, he tried to do more and it didn't go well. He managed to put a stint in place in one artery, but there was another blockage down from that one and when the blood flow hit that, her artery started collapsing and that was the beginning of the end.

They came to the waiting room and got myself and 2 of my other sisters who were there. But we were taken to an office, not to mom. We knew then that something was terribly wrong. The doctor came in and explained the situation and said they needed our consent to do bypass surgery. Now, mom was 85 and not a candidate for a bypass. They would have never done this as a planned event, BUT, they didn't want her to die on their table -- it messes up their statistics.

We knew mom would not want the bypass, but they worked very hard to convince us. Our panic and their pressure resulted in our consent and they did a bypass on mom. Surprising, it was successful. She was in ICU for almost a week and they told us that they could not stabilize her heart rate without a pacemaker. She was lucid enough to decline the pacemaker and that's when things got even worse.

The hospital moved mom to a palliative care room and then things just went bad. Somehow, mom was not assigned an attending physician (that we ever saw) and the only medical orders were the ones from intensive care. So, when she was in pain they wouldn't give her pain medication if her heart rate was too low. That type of incompetence continue for another week. We struggled against this while we watched mom fail in misery. It was horrific. We finally manged to get her into hospice care and they made her comfortable for her last 12 hours anyway. And she wasn't alone when she passed -- my oldest sister was with her.

Mom died on April 6th after 17 days of awful. And now we are left trying to figure out how to make sure that never happens to anyone else's loved one and how to get along without mom.

Besides the obvious feelings of overwhelming sadness, I feel incredibly blah about life in general and lonely. I have my husband, my daughter and her family, my sisters, my friends, but I feel lonely. It doesn't seem real that I will never see mom again. I'll never call her and see how her week went and tell her about mine. I'll never get a hug and hear "I love you" with that soft, lingering southern drawl. The loss of so many little things, just leaves me feeling lonely.

The other thing that's hard is that mom was like a mother to my daughter. She didn't just loose her grandmother, she lost one of her moms. I was a single parent for several years and mom (along with my youngest sister) helped enormously. So, my daughter needs HER mom now and I'm not exactly on my game.

So I feel guilty for putting mom through what she went through (when I gave my consent for the bypass) and I feel guilty for letting Jen down. But I'm still not caring about life enough yet to feel really bad about it. How's that for a knot of psychobabble chaos?

I know it will get better. It is already a little better than it was on April 6th. And it will continue to get better. I know that in my head. It's not quite in my heart yet, but it will get there. I can't let it continue. That would make me a disappointment to mom in addition to everything else, and I can't let that happen. That's just not acceptable.

So, I keep moving forward one step at a time. Baby steps. Time is the only thing that will help. I just need more time.

Happy New Year

Well, I made it through the holidays. I love Christmas. I love to see it come and I love to see it go because it kicks my butt every year. :-) But it really was a great Christmas.

But, too much food. Not just at Christmas, but from Thanksgiving through New Years. Big meals. Christmas baking (and sampling). Desserts out the ying yang. And it didn't help that I couldn't work out for 2 weeks right before Thanksgiving because of having those growths removed. And you end up skipping workouts more right when you're supposed to be working out more. Bottom line ... I packed back on about 7 pounds! Yikes! That's just freakish that it can happen so fast. But, I guess if you loose 1-2 lbs a week, you gain at that rate too. Somehow, it seems to happen faster when you're gaining than when you're loosing.

So, it's back to what I'm supposed to do. Of course, we aren't riding bikes after work because it's winter, so I need to get back to what I did last winter and break out the WII for a bit each evening. Not as good as riding, but better than sitting on my butt. Did I mention that you gain weight really fast? Bummer.

Somehow, the 40 lbs that I lost didn't look as impressive as the 40 lbs that Valerie Bertinelli lost, but I liked how I feel and I don't look bad, so I don't want to ignore the weight gain. If I get on top of it now, I'll be ok.

Welcome Baby Matthew!!!

I spent yesterday with my daughter and son-in-law helping to bring their 2nd son into the world. What a joyous thing to share with them. Words cannot express how proud I am of my daughter. Childbirth is not for the faint of heart. She took the contractions one at a time and worked her way through. I choke up thinking about it.

Daniel Matthew was born at 2:21 in the afternoon and is a whopping 9 lbs 1 oz and 19-1/2 inches long! When you hold him, you know you've got something in your arms. :-) Early impressions are that he's pretty easy going and he's hungry ... all the time.

I also found out that the biopsy report on all 4 growths were benign. Yay! The stitches come out tomorrow. Yay again.

We have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. And we are.

Waiting for Daniel Matthew

Our daughter is ready to delivery grandson number two any day now. Her doctor has scheduled her to be induced on Wednesday if he's unwilling to make his debut on his own. They are all ready for baby Matthew's arrival (he'll go by his middle name) and so are we. We have the grandparents' equipment ready to go -- pack & play for a crib, bouncy seat and stroller. I can't wait to see the little guy. Grandson #1 thinks he's ready to be a big brudder. I'm sure there will be adjustments as he will no longer be the ONLY center of his parents' universe. But he's such a good boy, I'm sure he'll be a good big brother. Little Matthew is a lucky baby. :-)

Week one with the stitches is over. One more week to go. I popped a couple of stitches on my calf -- the doctor warned me that calves are hard and I see that now. It's just really hard to not stress that skin. Just lying in bed, the calf spread out and tugs on the stitches. But I also squatted down a couple of times because I wasn't thinking and started to cross my legs with that leg on top -- ouch. Who knows when it popped. I went to the doctor and they said it was healing well. They gave me "sani-strips" which are wonderful. I don't know what that adhesive is, but man, I think it would hold the wings on a 747. I use the strips to reinforce the middle where the stitches popped. The other 3 are all holding together well.

Thank goodness the stitches come out before Thanksgiving. We'll have a full house and I'm really looking forward to it. Jay's mom will be here along with our daughter and her family, plus her mother-in-law who will be down for a couple of weeks to help after the baby is born. It will be crazy and I'll be exhausted, but it will be a really nice time. And we definitely have a lot to be thankful for what with the new baby and all.

Then, it's on to Christmas! Good Lord!

Mole follow-up

It's Sunday now and I'm still feeling pretty good. I changed the bandages yesterday and everything looks good -- a little Frankenstein-ish with all the stiches, but good. There is no bandage on the one in my hair, but I still put some neosporin on it.

I'm amazed (and delighted) and how much they don't bother me! In a way, it's a problem. I don't have pain to remind me that they are there so I forget and hurt them by accident. Like when I folded my arms -- or tried to -- man that hurt the one under my boob! Or when I squatted down for something, that really hurt the one on my right calf. So I just have to remember to be careful about things like that for the next couple of weeks.

The doctor said no working out until the stitches come out. That worries me. I worked so hard to loose the weight, so not working out for so long is worrisome to me.

Moles, moles and more moles

I am a farm for moles. I swear. I've had a pretty big one under by left boob for several years now. Every year, during my annual checkup, I ask about it and, every year, the doctor says it's nothing -- it's just a mole.

This year I noticed a new one in my hair at my right temple. I asked about that in the spring and the doctor said the same thing. But it's gotten really big now in just one year. I was at the doctor for a blood pressure check (we changed up my medication) so I asked about it again. She still thinks it's not a problem, but says it looks irritated -- probably because it gets brushed when I brush my hair, I'm always pushing my hair behind my ear and I wear glasses. So she suggested that I get them both removed.

So, I went to a plastic surgeon and he agreed, they needed to go. While I was there, I asked about 2 other things that aren't moles. He didn't like the look of them and said we'd lop those off too. He's pretty sure they are basal cell carcinomas. We'll find out when they are biopsied.

So, today was lopping day. I was pretty nervous. I really expected the one at my temple to hurt. Just the thought of the injection into an area where the skin is so thin, made me nervous. I just didn't see how it wouldn't hurt ... a lot. But it didn't! And I definitely expected a bald spot for a bit, but nope! He didn't shave my hair or anything! Yay!

The one on my temple did hurt a little, but very little. And a slight burning sensation when he shot the lidocaine in, but also very little. The other 3 sites were a piece of cake. I felt tugging as he cut and stitched, but that was it. I was amazed. I was so tense going in; expecting a fair amount of discomfort. But there wasn't any. I was even chatting with the doctor and his nurse while he worked! Heavy sigh of relief.

Now I'm pretty tired ... probably because I was so tense for a while. But it's been 5 hours and I'm still not feeling horrible. Actually, I'm still not really feeling anything. I guess the lidocaine is still having some effect. Because at some point, I expect it to at least smart.

So if anyone out there is reading this and facing having moles removed, you can relax. It's really an easy procedure. Honest!

Yay, Cool Fall Weather

FINALLY, we are past those horrible 95+ degree days. We have been having some fantastic, coolish days. I love it!

This past weekend, a friend who owns a farm with a couple of grass strips, had a fly-in. We went and what a fabulous day! There were easily over a dozen planes there. We all brought food so there was an enormous amount of food. Jamie's place is heaven on earth -- truly. It was a glorious day to fly and I can't remember when we've had a better aviation day.

Jay decided he's done trying to deal with the Ocean City Airport manager. He's just plain mean and we're tired of asking permission to enjoy the airport we are based at. So he's not been hanging out at the airport at all for a couple of months now. Instead, he's started working on the LeMans again! I'm so excited to see that. He has literally torn everything off of the rear end and is now starting the process of replacing what he removed. It won't be ready for the fall cruising weekend in Ocean City, but that doesn't matter. Eventually, it will be road ready again and we'll have fun driving around in it. AND, even better, because Jay isn't constantly dealing with that asshole, he has been in a much better frame of mind.

And no posting is complete without an update on my weight and general health. I am still holding at 160 lbs. I bought a few more pair of slacks for work in size 12. I was tempted to get a size 10 in one of them, but opted for the 12 instead figuring that I might not be as active in the winter months. I'll try to be, but it is more difficult when we aren't riding bikes every night after work. :-( I've actually been wearing the slacks, even though the weather is still ok for capri's, but I really like wearing my size 12's. And now that I'm wearing clothes that actually fit, people are really noticing the weight loss. :-)